Mauzer's Diary
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My name is Mauzer, and I am the legal property of M'Lady Sarah.  I 
think.  It's a long story that I have time for tonight, so I'll explain.  
Who knows, perhaps I'll look back at this log and either laugh or wonder 
why I did it.

It started last week or so, after I got back from my medical visit.  I 
never knew that M'Lady put a personality chip into my head during the 
change.  The chip she chose is obviously a feline-based chip, but it 
seems more vicious, more biting.  Perhaps it's just what I expected to 
be used to.

My last bout with these chips was in the military.  Heh, if you can call 
it that.  All the corporations have these private armies.  They call 
them 'security forces'.  What kind of 'security' needs cannons, tanks 
and 'borgs?  On top of that, each one has it's own 'private, secret' 
forces.  The ones they really don't have, but we all know about anyhow.

I was in that ultra-secret force thing.  They used the chips on us too.  
They had these chips that...  well...  they're really powerful things.  
They screwed up my mind for a long time.  It's why I started drifting.  
I tried to push those demons from my skull, and they caught up with me.

The nightmares came back again.  I knew they would after I rode the 
Leash again.  The memories of what I did.  The things I saw.  The 
people, my friends, my enemies...  I woke up hyperventilating once and 
crying three times.  I decided to talk to M'Lady.

She was in the living room, reading a book.  She's got a nice collection 
in the attic of paper books.  I agree with her that there's an intimacy 
with paper that's not there with electrons.  And she's had the money to 
buy the real things, so she's been able to do it.  I always hate 
interrupting her when she's reading a book.  It would be like walking in 
while someone is having sex.  You ruin the mood.

But I felt justified.  "M'Lady?"

She looked up, with a small smile on her face.  "Yes darlin'?"

"I need to talk with you."  She nodded, and offered a seat on the floor 
next to her.  "Did you have a chip implanted into my head?"

The question took her back a bit.  I don't think she was expecting just 
that.  "Why do you ask?"

"I need to know.  And you need to know too."

"I don't understand, my pet."

I knew she wouldn't.  I closed her book, placing the marker into it.  
"It's a long story.  And I know that we don't keep secrets from each 
other, and all that.  But there's things I've done that you need to know 
about which may affect our relationship, M'Lady."  I looked up with 
pleading eyes.  "Please, believe everything I say?"

She nodded again, her smile now gone, replaced by concern.  "What is it, 
Mauzer?"

"I know I told you about my military time.  and I know that's partially 
why you named me Mauzer.  But I didn't tell you what I did."  She opened 
her mouth to say something, but I stopped her.  "No, let me?  Please?"  
She closed her mouth and half-closed her eyes.  Almost resigned that I 
was going to spit it all out regardless of her.  I just nodded slowly, 
looking at the ground as I spoke.

"I know I told you that I worked in computers and all that.  I did.  
Just not in what you think.  I did a lot of work with a special-ops 
unit.  Being a sold orphan made me expendable.  The corporation gets a 
tax cut for taking me in, and I'm a base of making them more money.

"So when I showed them I had some talent for working computers, they put 
me into an accelerated program for computers.  Heh, hell, they found me 
out.  Specifically, I was one of the 'combat hackers'.  You may not have 
heard of the term but I think it's easy to figure out.  A few wire heads 
that act like shock troopers in the 'net, or in person when they show up 
to a hot zone or what not.

"When I got into the Special Ops. division they put some heavy-duty 
implants in me.  I mean, they didn't want us to shoot the CO or what 
not, so they put this chip in my head."  I looked up, she was looking on 
with interest.  "This chip was evil.  Pure and simple, evil.  Whoever 
had the physical key code to the chip had control of me.  We called it 
'the Leash'.  It's what they used to control us.

"Riding that thing made me do things that are horrible, M'Lady.  I can't 
describe what it's like.  It's like watching a movie, hearing your voice 
say the lines, feeling yourself do the actions, watching helplessly as 
your body is taken along for a ride.  I can't even begin to tell you 
what I've seen myself do..."

I wiped a tear away.  It hurts a lot to bring this out, but I know she 
needs to know.  "I spent years after I got out wandering.  I think I was 
running away, but I don't know from what.  The animal I was, I think.  
No, not animal.  Animals are humane in their kills.  I wasn't..."  I 
snapped.  "Children!  I shot children, M'Lady!  Why?  I don't even know 
why!"

The tears flowed easier just then.  The floodgates can be blown open by 
a drip.  I couldn't look M'Lady in the eyes, I was too busy closing my 
own and crying.  I bit my lip and went on.  "Those were horrible things, 
M'Lady...  Just horrifying!  I think I conned myself into believing it 
was simple military training, and a desk job.  There was a lot of 
paperwork in that job.  I wandered across the country in a few years, 
doing things.  Christ, you know all this!

"I went all over, then found you.  Or did you find me?  I don't know."  
Her hand rested on my shoulder.  I just went on.  "And I forgot all 
about that past.  I finally ran away for good.  It was the love, M'Lady.  
The love I never had.  Never gave.  Never could.  And It got me to 
forget.  And I was happy.

"Then we had this done."  I pulled some furry flesh up from my forearm.  
"And then the chip pushed me.  It jiggled a brain curve that I'd made 
straight.  And it brought it all back again, M'Lady.  All of it.  When I 
got home from the vet's, it started in again.  I woke up curled and 
crying.  Terrified of what I was.  I'm afraid, M'Lady...  I'm scared..."

I kinda started whimpering then.  All this emotional shit finally caught 
up with me, and I crashed hard.  M'Lady joined me on the floor and 
hugged me.  I was kinda curled up, and she hugged me all over.

It's what I wanted.  The safety.

How long did I cry?  I don't know.  A lot of the night gets kinda fuzzy 
in my head.  I know that we discussed the vet's visit, in detail.  I 
told her everything.  I tried to explain the evil to her that the 
military chip made me do.  I don't know how much was "classified", but I 
didn't care.  You can't describe pure evil, but you can tell people what 
it looks like, feels like, tastes like...

I keep asking myself if I'm evil for what I've done?  I don't think I 
am, but there's this nagging doubt of 'why didn't you try harder to pull 
away from it?'  It makes me feel so depressed, so depressed...  And it 
all flooded out.  All of it.

From there I don't remember it all.  I do remember a lot of hugs, a lot 
of crying...  a whole lot of crying...  Mostly from me, really.  I never 
knew that a chip would hurt so much.  I keep dwelling on that, I know.  
I still can't get over how many thing's I've done, seen...

That night I fell asleep in her arms crying, she was stroking me gently 
between my ears, playing with my fur gently.  The nightmares weren't 
there.  Instead I dreamed of flying.  Weightless, gliding flight.  Over 
a land I didn't know.  It looked like old forests I saw on holovids a 
few times.

I didn't know if I was at peace or not when I woke up, but M'Lady wasn't 
there.  There was a note, which said that she was out, but not to worry 
and she'd be back before I knew it.  I made myself breakfast wondering 
what the hell I told her.  I didn't know if she was going to flip out on 
me or what, I mean there's a lot of heavy stuff that I did back then.  
If I can't handle it, what made me think that M'Lady could?

Then I got to thinking that I may have told M'Lady I was suicidal.  In 
the military, I was.  Having no control of your actions makes you that 
way, especially when you're seeing things no sane being is meant to see.  
I wasn't now, I was thankful to have found her!  I racked my brains to 
try to remember anything from the previous night, and I remembered was 
the pain.  How heavy it was.

She came back a few hours later.  I was in my room staring out the 
window.  "Mauz?  Could you come downstairs?"

"Yes M'Lady."  I said.  I walked out to the hall and caught up with her.  
"M'Lady?  I'm sor..."

She cut me off with a finger on my muzzle.  She's very good a that.  "I 
know."  She then gave me a gentle kiss.  We walked into the kitchen, 
where there was a guy wearing a sweater and blue jeans.  "Mauzer : This 
is Dr. Carter.  He's a friend of mine."

"What branch?" I asked, shaking his hand.

He smiled.  "Psychology."  I rolled my eyes.  I figured.  "Mauzer?  
Sarah told me about last night.  She's worried about you.  So she asked 
me to talk to you."

"M'Lady?  What did I tell you last night?" I asked, my throat going dry.

"Enough." she said.  I hoped it wasn't too much.

I spent the night talking to Dr. Carter.  A nice guy, all told.  I knew 
all the psych tricks he was using, and he knew it.  So we talked about 
the past, what I did.  After that night it was easier to talk about.  
M'Lady stayed there.  Holding my paw sometimes, sometimes getting 
something to eat.  But she was always there.  I needed that.

The Doc came up with the same conclusions I already figured about 
myself.  I had a form of what was called PTSD in the old days.  They 
have a real name for it but I forget it.  Mine was worse than average 
because of the cyberpsychosis I went through while in, then the 
readjustment to life without the Leash, or the cybernetics.  It screwed 
me up badly.

"Sarah, you'll have to tell me what kind of chipwear is in Mauzer." he 
said.

She nodded.  "Just the personality chip."

"Why was it installed?"

"It was part of the package deal." she said.  "I thought it was nothing 
to worry about.  It's rated at point-five intensity."

I nodded.  "I know what it was.  In the vet's office, the chip got 
intensified."

She looked at me.  "How?"

"The scents, the treatment, the other animals...  It triggered some old 
memories about how the Leash felt, and the 'chips actions became 
noticeable, which made it worse." I said.  Now it all made sense.

Dr. Carter asked "Can you remove or shut off the chip?"

M'Lady looked at me, then him.  "Yes."  It almost looked like she didn't 
want to say it.  "But I don't do it."

"That's a good idea for now, Sarah." he said.  "Mauzer's brain is going 
to need some time off from it.  Shut it down for a few days then turn it 
back on.  Leave it on at it's regular setting, so it can assimilate with 
him again.  You may have to reset the chip so it can readjust.  
Meanwhile, the best thing for YOU to do, Mauzer, is relax.  What 
happened to you in the service was not your actions, and it's important 
for you to realize that."

I looked at my paws and fidgeted.  "But, I mean, I was doing those 
things..."

"No, the chips were, Mauzer.  No matter what they told you, that was not 
you.  You must remember that."

I took in a deep breath, and with a parched throat I pushed out an "I'll 
try."

"Don't try.  Do."

After that it was the polite good-byes and all that.  He wants to check 
on me in a few weeks, just to make sure that I'm not going to kill 
myself or something I guess.  M'Lady went with him to the front door, 
and they talked a little there.  She sounded agitated, but not much.

M'Lady never told me she could adjust the chips in my head.  And I don't 
think she did it at the vet's place.  But it was enough to start an 
argument.  It was about trust, if I trusted her enough not to abuse the 
power she was capable of using.  and If she trusted me enough to tell me 
she could to that.

That was last night.  We haven't spoken tod

Hmm?
Yes, M'Lady.  Let me wrap this up.

Oh hell.  She want to talk.  I'll leave this entry open until later 
tonight.



- -


I wrote that three nights ago.  And now, well, I'm happy that I'm not on 
the streets.  Or worse.

I was so afraid of hurting M'Lady.  I think I scared the living hell out 
of her, really.  Which wasn't what I intended on doing.  But we talked 
long and hard about stuff.  And I think things are all right.

We talked about us, the trust we shared, and so on.  She didn't want to 
tell me about the chip originally because she didn't think it would 
matter.  Then with Dr. Carter she thought it would hurt my feelings to 
know.  I told he so much about the military chips that, well, she didn't 
want me to think she was doing it to me again.

I did something I haven't done for years, or almost my whole life.  I 
told M'Lady that I loved her.  And it wasn't forced, it was real.  Very 
real.  She smiled when I told her that, and whispered back to me "I've 
always known.  I love you too, Mauzer."

We kissed, and then we made love.  It wasn't sex, it was love.  It was 
pure.  It was meaningful.  It was from the soul.  We writhed with each 
other, trying to become one.  And for a moment, I believe we were.  We 
spent the night kissing each other, not saying anything.  Nothing needed 
to BE said.  We knew.

Everything is all right now.  And, for once, I think I'm freeing my 
demons.  Finally.



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Curator: Socks the Catt / E-mail: <sockscatt@gmail.com>
Last tinkered with on : Tuesday, June 5, 2001

DISCLAIMER : All stories in this archive are Copyright 2000 - 2001 Socks Furrotica Press. Distribution is permitted in electronic format, as long as 1) the entire text (including this disclaimer) remains intact and 2) My e-mail address remains on the work (sockscatt@gmail.com) Permission is also given to print this text out for personal use. If you wish to include this story in a web site or for publication, e-mail myself (sockscatt@gmail.com) and we'll talk it over...

This is (unfortunately) a work of fiction. It depicts sex. Lots of quite graphic sex between several genders and arguably a few species. Af any of this offends you, or anything vaguely pornographic bothers you, don't read this, and don't send me your nasty e-mail (I may enjoy it, you know...)

Being a work of fiction, none of the characters herin are based on a real person (Save the narrator and one other person...) And similarity to any person alive, dead, undead or unalive is coincidental, totally. However, if you see yourself or someone you know in a character be honored. You've been immortalised.