My name is Mauzer, and I am the legal property of M'Lady Sarah. I think. It's a long story that I have time for tonight, so I'll explain. Who knows, perhaps I'll look back at this log and either laugh or wonder why I did it. It started last week or so, after I got back from my medical visit. I never knew that M'Lady put a personality chip into my head during the change. The chip she chose is obviously a feline-based chip, but it seems more vicious, more biting. Perhaps it's just what I expected to be used to. My last bout with these chips was in the military. Heh, if you can call it that. All the corporations have these private armies. They call them 'security forces'. What kind of 'security' needs cannons, tanks and 'borgs? On top of that, each one has it's own 'private, secret' forces. The ones they really don't have, but we all know about anyhow. I was in that ultra-secret force thing. They used the chips on us too. They had these chips that... well... they're really powerful things. They screwed up my mind for a long time. It's why I started drifting. I tried to push those demons from my skull, and they caught up with me. The nightmares came back again. I knew they would after I rode the Leash again. The memories of what I did. The things I saw. The people, my friends, my enemies... I woke up hyperventilating once and crying three times. I decided to talk to M'Lady. She was in the living room, reading a book. She's got a nice collection in the attic of paper books. I agree with her that there's an intimacy with paper that's not there with electrons. And she's had the money to buy the real things, so she's been able to do it. I always hate interrupting her when she's reading a book. It would be like walking in while someone is having sex. You ruin the mood. But I felt justified. "M'Lady?" She looked up, with a small smile on her face. "Yes darlin'?" "I need to talk with you." She nodded, and offered a seat on the floor next to her. "Did you have a chip implanted into my head?" The question took her back a bit. I don't think she was expecting just that. "Why do you ask?" "I need to know. And you need to know too." "I don't understand, my pet." I knew she wouldn't. I closed her book, placing the marker into it. "It's a long story. And I know that we don't keep secrets from each other, and all that. But there's things I've done that you need to know about which may affect our relationship, M'Lady." I looked up with pleading eyes. "Please, believe everything I say?" She nodded again, her smile now gone, replaced by concern. "What is it, Mauzer?" "I know I told you about my military time. and I know that's partially why you named me Mauzer. But I didn't tell you what I did." She opened her mouth to say something, but I stopped her. "No, let me? Please?" She closed her mouth and half-closed her eyes. Almost resigned that I was going to spit it all out regardless of her. I just nodded slowly, looking at the ground as I spoke. "I know I told you that I worked in computers and all that. I did. Just not in what you think. I did a lot of work with a special-ops unit. Being a sold orphan made me expendable. The corporation gets a tax cut for taking me in, and I'm a base of making them more money. "So when I showed them I had some talent for working computers, they put me into an accelerated program for computers. Heh, hell, they found me out. Specifically, I was one of the 'combat hackers'. You may not have heard of the term but I think it's easy to figure out. A few wire heads that act like shock troopers in the 'net, or in person when they show up to a hot zone or what not. "When I got into the Special Ops. division they put some heavy-duty implants in me. I mean, they didn't want us to shoot the CO or what not, so they put this chip in my head." I looked up, she was looking on with interest. "This chip was evil. Pure and simple, evil. Whoever had the physical key code to the chip had control of me. We called it 'the Leash'. It's what they used to control us. "Riding that thing made me do things that are horrible, M'Lady. I can't describe what it's like. It's like watching a movie, hearing your voice say the lines, feeling yourself do the actions, watching helplessly as your body is taken along for a ride. I can't even begin to tell you what I've seen myself do..." I wiped a tear away. It hurts a lot to bring this out, but I know she needs to know. "I spent years after I got out wandering. I think I was running away, but I don't know from what. The animal I was, I think. No, not animal. Animals are humane in their kills. I wasn't..." I snapped. "Children! I shot children, M'Lady! Why? I don't even know why!" The tears flowed easier just then. The floodgates can be blown open by a drip. I couldn't look M'Lady in the eyes, I was too busy closing my own and crying. I bit my lip and went on. "Those were horrible things, M'Lady... Just horrifying! I think I conned myself into believing it was simple military training, and a desk job. There was a lot of paperwork in that job. I wandered across the country in a few years, doing things. Christ, you know all this! "I went all over, then found you. Or did you find me? I don't know." Her hand rested on my shoulder. I just went on. "And I forgot all about that past. I finally ran away for good. It was the love, M'Lady. The love I never had. Never gave. Never could. And It got me to forget. And I was happy. "Then we had this done." I pulled some furry flesh up from my forearm. "And then the chip pushed me. It jiggled a brain curve that I'd made straight. And it brought it all back again, M'Lady. All of it. When I got home from the vet's, it started in again. I woke up curled and crying. Terrified of what I was. I'm afraid, M'Lady... I'm scared..." I kinda started whimpering then. All this emotional shit finally caught up with me, and I crashed hard. M'Lady joined me on the floor and hugged me. I was kinda curled up, and she hugged me all over. It's what I wanted. The safety. How long did I cry? I don't know. A lot of the night gets kinda fuzzy in my head. I know that we discussed the vet's visit, in detail. I told her everything. I tried to explain the evil to her that the military chip made me do. I don't know how much was "classified", but I didn't care. You can't describe pure evil, but you can tell people what it looks like, feels like, tastes like... I keep asking myself if I'm evil for what I've done? I don't think I am, but there's this nagging doubt of 'why didn't you try harder to pull away from it?' It makes me feel so depressed, so depressed... And it all flooded out. All of it. From there I don't remember it all. I do remember a lot of hugs, a lot of crying... a whole lot of crying... Mostly from me, really. I never knew that a chip would hurt so much. I keep dwelling on that, I know. I still can't get over how many thing's I've done, seen... That night I fell asleep in her arms crying, she was stroking me gently between my ears, playing with my fur gently. The nightmares weren't there. Instead I dreamed of flying. Weightless, gliding flight. Over a land I didn't know. It looked like old forests I saw on holovids a few times. I didn't know if I was at peace or not when I woke up, but M'Lady wasn't there. There was a note, which said that she was out, but not to worry and she'd be back before I knew it. I made myself breakfast wondering what the hell I told her. I didn't know if she was going to flip out on me or what, I mean there's a lot of heavy stuff that I did back then. If I can't handle it, what made me think that M'Lady could? Then I got to thinking that I may have told M'Lady I was suicidal. In the military, I was. Having no control of your actions makes you that way, especially when you're seeing things no sane being is meant to see. I wasn't now, I was thankful to have found her! I racked my brains to try to remember anything from the previous night, and I remembered was the pain. How heavy it was. She came back a few hours later. I was in my room staring out the window. "Mauz? Could you come downstairs?" "Yes M'Lady." I said. I walked out to the hall and caught up with her. "M'Lady? I'm sor..." She cut me off with a finger on my muzzle. She's very good a that. "I know." She then gave me a gentle kiss. We walked into the kitchen, where there was a guy wearing a sweater and blue jeans. "Mauzer : This is Dr. Carter. He's a friend of mine." "What branch?" I asked, shaking his hand. He smiled. "Psychology." I rolled my eyes. I figured. "Mauzer? Sarah told me about last night. She's worried about you. So she asked me to talk to you." "M'Lady? What did I tell you last night?" I asked, my throat going dry. "Enough." she said. I hoped it wasn't too much. I spent the night talking to Dr. Carter. A nice guy, all told. I knew all the psych tricks he was using, and he knew it. So we talked about the past, what I did. After that night it was easier to talk about. M'Lady stayed there. Holding my paw sometimes, sometimes getting something to eat. But she was always there. I needed that. The Doc came up with the same conclusions I already figured about myself. I had a form of what was called PTSD in the old days. They have a real name for it but I forget it. Mine was worse than average because of the cyberpsychosis I went through while in, then the readjustment to life without the Leash, or the cybernetics. It screwed me up badly. "Sarah, you'll have to tell me what kind of chipwear is in Mauzer." he said. She nodded. "Just the personality chip." "Why was it installed?" "It was part of the package deal." she said. "I thought it was nothing to worry about. It's rated at point-five intensity." I nodded. "I know what it was. In the vet's office, the chip got intensified." She looked at me. "How?" "The scents, the treatment, the other animals... It triggered some old memories about how the Leash felt, and the 'chips actions became noticeable, which made it worse." I said. Now it all made sense. Dr. Carter asked "Can you remove or shut off the chip?" M'Lady looked at me, then him. "Yes." It almost looked like she didn't want to say it. "But I don't do it." "That's a good idea for now, Sarah." he said. "Mauzer's brain is going to need some time off from it. Shut it down for a few days then turn it back on. Leave it on at it's regular setting, so it can assimilate with him again. You may have to reset the chip so it can readjust. Meanwhile, the best thing for YOU to do, Mauzer, is relax. What happened to you in the service was not your actions, and it's important for you to realize that." I looked at my paws and fidgeted. "But, I mean, I was doing those things..." "No, the chips were, Mauzer. No matter what they told you, that was not you. You must remember that." I took in a deep breath, and with a parched throat I pushed out an "I'll try." "Don't try. Do." After that it was the polite good-byes and all that. He wants to check on me in a few weeks, just to make sure that I'm not going to kill myself or something I guess. M'Lady went with him to the front door, and they talked a little there. She sounded agitated, but not much. M'Lady never told me she could adjust the chips in my head. And I don't think she did it at the vet's place. But it was enough to start an argument. It was about trust, if I trusted her enough not to abuse the power she was capable of using. and If she trusted me enough to tell me she could to that. That was last night. We haven't spoken tod Hmm? Yes, M'Lady. Let me wrap this up. Oh hell. She want to talk. I'll leave this entry open until later tonight. - - I wrote that three nights ago. And now, well, I'm happy that I'm not on the streets. Or worse. I was so afraid of hurting M'Lady. I think I scared the living hell out of her, really. Which wasn't what I intended on doing. But we talked long and hard about stuff. And I think things are all right. We talked about us, the trust we shared, and so on. She didn't want to tell me about the chip originally because she didn't think it would matter. Then with Dr. Carter she thought it would hurt my feelings to know. I told he so much about the military chips that, well, she didn't want me to think she was doing it to me again. I did something I haven't done for years, or almost my whole life. I told M'Lady that I loved her. And it wasn't forced, it was real. Very real. She smiled when I told her that, and whispered back to me "I've always known. I love you too, Mauzer." We kissed, and then we made love. It wasn't sex, it was love. It was pure. It was meaningful. It was from the soul. We writhed with each other, trying to become one. And for a moment, I believe we were. We spent the night kissing each other, not saying anything. Nothing needed to BE said. We knew. Everything is all right now. And, for once, I think I'm freeing my demons. Finally.
This is (unfortunately) a work of fiction. It depicts sex. Lots of quite graphic sex between several genders and arguably a few species. Af any of this offends you, or anything vaguely pornographic bothers you, don't read this, and don't send me your nasty e-mail (I may enjoy it, you know...)
Being a work of fiction, none of the characters herin are based on a real person (Save the narrator and one other person...) And similarity to any person alive, dead, undead or unalive is coincidental, totally. However, if you see yourself or someone you know in a character be honored. You've been immortalised.